I have never been a huge fan of the reality television show Jon and Kate Plus 8. I only started watching it recently. However, it seems that I tuned in at just the wrong time. Evidently Jon and Kate Gosselin are having marriage problems. Some reports say they have been separated for about six months. They are trying to keep up appearances for the children’s sake, but the tension is painfully obvious. I do not know all the reasons for their trouble. I am sure the fame and fortune and constantly being in the spotlight have played a significant role in their marital problems. Some people would even say they have brought it on themselves by making their family the focus of an insatiable television audience. I am praying for them. I hope they can work through their troubles and keep their family together. I pray that divorce does not take its toll on another family. Their children deserve better than a family that disintegrates right before the eyes of a television audience. Whatever the reasons for their trouble, I think you would agree that none of us are immune from marriage problems and potential divorce.
The Bible says God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). God hates what divorce does to husbands and wives, He hates what it does to children, He hates what it does to society, and He hates what it does to the picture marriage is supposed to present to the world (Ephesians 5:22-33). How, then, can we defend out marriages against divorce?
1. Remember your commitment to stay together and be faithful.
When Donna and I were married we made a commitment to each other and to God to stay married for life. We vowed to take each other to have and to hold from that day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, “'til death do us part,” according to God's holy ordinance. I promised to love, honor, and cherish her, leaving all others, cleaving to her, and being to her in all things a true and faithful husband as long as we both live. This does not mean that we have had a trouble free marriage. All couples have difficulties from time to time, but we must be committed to working through our problems. Donna and I agreed that divorce was not an option for us. This knowledge gives us security in our relationship and it gives us motivation to work to make our marriage stronger.
2. Pray and worship together regularly.
I know it sounds old fashioned, but its true---the couple who prays together stays together. I don’t mean that active church members never experience divorce. Some husbands and wives are sitting on the same pew in church, but relationally, emotionally, and spiritually, they are a million miles apart. Couples who want to build a strong marriage, however, will actively attend a caring, Christ-centered church where they can grow spiritually, build godly friendships, and experience spiritual support through the ups and downs of life. God regularly uses other godly people in my church to show Donna and me positive examples of loving couples.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
If you didn’t already know it, the number one problem couples report about their relationship is a lack of communication. When you say something to someone you want that person to understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. You want to be understood. When you don’t feel like your spouse understands you, you feel like they don’t know you. Instead of growing closer in your relationship you begin to grow apart. With each misunderstanding the distance between you grows. Poor communication skills in marriage inevitably lead to isolation and loneliness. Communication involves speaking and listening to each other. Communication means you learn to speak in a way that helps your spouse understand you. Communication also requires you to listen with the desire to understand how your spouse feels. Husbands and wives must learn to tame the tongue (James 3:3-12), choose their words carefully (Ephesians 4:29), let their lips be ruled by love (John 13:34-35; 1 Corinthians 13; Ephesians 4:15), and learn when to exercise the right to remain silent (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7; Proverbs 10:19).
By-the-way, communication is a skill that must be learned. It is like a foreign language. Marital communication does not come easy, but it can be learned if both partners are willing to work at it. So make a commitment to communicate, even if you don't feel like it---especially when you don't feel like it!
4. Practice forgiveness.
Someone has described marriage as a union of “two awfully good forgivers.” The Bible instructs Christians to, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (ESV). Husbands and wives will make mistakes. We will sin against one another. Forgiveness is an absolute necessity in the relationship. We must choose to forgive the “little things” that come up. We must choose to forgive the big things that come up. Forgiveness does not mean that we act like the sin did not happen or did not hurt. It means we let the person off our “hook”, and we trust God to handle them in His wisdom, timing, grace, and mercy. Forgiveness means I don’t continue to hold the sin against them. Love does not keep a record of wrongs suffered (1 Corinthians 13:5).
5. Be there for one another and bear each other’s burdens.
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (ESV)
Spouses must learn to support one another and help one another in practical ways. We are partners. We are friends. We should be willing to pitch in and lend a hand when needed. It may be taking out the trash, washing the dishes, putting the kids to bed, cooking supper, offering a shoulder to cry on, listening, writing out the bills, or just being there in silent support when our mate is hurting.
6. Take time to get away as a couple.
Date each other. Go to the movies. Walk on the beach. Take a stroll through the neighborhood. Send the kids to grandma’s house so you can have a romantic weekend at home. There are a million things to do as a couple, but do something! Remember that before you were “mom and dad” you were friends, husband and wife, lovers. Protect that special bond and identity.
7. Fight the tendency to drift apart.
I don’t want to be like many older couples I see in restaurants around town. They sit down across from one another, order their meal, and eat in silence hardly ever looking at each other. More often than not they have grown apart. How did they get to this point? For years, his life was his career. For years, her life was the children and the home. Their responsibilities took them separate ways. Even when they did take time to talk to one another it was usually about the job or the kids or the bills. Now the children are grown and out of the house. Now they look at each other and realize they hardly know the other person any more.
It is common for couples to drift apart over time. It does not happen over night. We get so busy with our jobs, taking the kids to football practice, cutting the grass, attending church activities, doing the chores around the house, and a million other things that “have to get done,” that we don’t have much time for each other as husband and wife. We must nurture our marital relationship if it is to grow and thrive. We must fight the tendency to drift apart by spending time doing things as a couple. We must learn to invest in our relationship. Perhaps you should take a “date night” once a month without the kids. Perhaps you should agree to eat dinner together regularly. Read a book and talk about it together. Agree on a common hobby that you can share. Do anything---just do something!
