Here are a few keys for good communication in marriage that I gleaned from the book, "The Total Man," by Dan Benson. I don't know if the book is still being printed, but you can pick up a used copy from Amazon.com.
One male, one female
From totally different homes
With different upbringings and experiences
Each with emotional uniqueness
With different likes and dislikes
Each with some degree of independence
And with some self-centeredness
Living in the same house
With different tasks and responsibilities
Working from the same budget
Trying to meet the same goals.
Will They Agree On Everything? No way.
I. Rekindle Your Love For Each Other.
See, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13 (Read it. REALLY! Click the link or get your Bible down and read this passage so you will know what true love looks like.) The greatest virtue in your relationship is love (1-3). Love is revealed in practical ways (4-8).
II. Set Some Ground Rules.
1. We will recommit ourselves to making our marriage work.
Divorce isn't an option. We're going to see this incident through, and build a better marriage because of it.
2. We will attack the problem, not the person.
We will agree to disagree agreeably. Do the facts of this incident warrant the heated emotions we're showing? How about reassuring each other, "Honey, I'm not sure I agree with you in this area, but I want you to know that I love you. Let's work this out as a team."
3. We will always put people before things.
No broken dish, dented fender, damaged clothing, or scratched [cd] is just cause for lashing out at the other person.
4. We will seek to give the benefit of the doubt to the other person.
Unless the other person admits otherwise, he meant well. He was trying as hard as he could to do the right thing.
5. We will try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view.
How would I feel if I were in their shoes?
6. Never in public or in front of the kids.
7. We will try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
We will make and discuss observations, not accusations.
"You" (Accusation)
"You are insensitive."
"Will you shut up and listen?"
"You never pay attention to me."
"...and then you started yelling..."
"I" (Observation)
"I feel misunderstood."
"I don't think we're communicating."
"I feel left out."
"It bothers me when we yell at each other."
8. We will watch our tone of voice.
Loudness and bitterness only indicate that we're losing control of ourselves.
9. When an assertion is made about me, I’ll try to repeat it verbatim before
responding.
Besides helping to calm us both, this will verify that a) I've heard you correctly, and b) you said what you meant (and meant what you said).
10. We will not be overly defensive, but open to the possibility we might be wrong.
11. We will avoid these statements: “You ALWAYS…” and “You NEVER…”
If these accusations are true then they should have been brought up when they first occurred.
12. We will not dredge up the past sins of the other.
13. No stomping out of the room.
This only prolongs the altercation and puts the problem on the slow-cooker. Instead, let's stop for a breather by saying: "Honey, I need a few moments to calm down. I'm afraid I'll say something I don't really mean."
14. We will talk it out to its conclusion.
How can we resolve this? What have we learned from this? How was I wrong? What can we do to prevent this from happening again?"
15. We will keep our anger under control.
(adapted from The Total Man, Dan Benson, p. 166-172)
III. Always Forgive.
“…bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint
against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” (Colossians 3:13)
