In light of the scandal surrounding South Carolina's Governor, Mark Sanford, I thought it might be timely to print a sermon I regularly preach at our church. The sermon is titled, "How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage." I try to preach this message once a year as a reminder to all of us of the danger of adultery. The message is based on Proverbs 5. I give credit to the late Dr. Adrian Rogers for informing my thoughts on this passage through his sermon titled, "The Playboy's Payday."
How To Affair Proof Your Marriage
Proverbs 5
Pastor Richard E. Powell
In the year 1631 a London Publisher produced a Bible which omitted one word from the 7th Commandment. It was the word, “not.” Unsuspecting purchasers owned a Bible which read, “Thou shalt commit adultery.” This edition became known as the “Wicked Bible.” The publishers were fined 300 pounds for their blunder. However, when I look at the lives of many people today it seems as though the wicked Bible is still in print. Adultery is rampant in our society. And the church of the living God has not been immune to this dreadful sin. Too many people are living as though God has not clearly spoken on the matter of marital infidelity.
There are many people who are living like that wicked Bible is correct. Many Christians are finding themselves involved in what is called “extramarital affairs.” But the Bible could not be more clear. The Bible says, “Thou shalt NOT commit adultery.”
If this is God’s standard then how can we live up to it? How can we affair proof our marriage? That is the subject of today’s message. The message I am bringing today is from a pastor’s heart, not a judge’s heart. It is from a heart of love. For some of you today, this message will be a convicting message because of the sinful choices you made in the past. For some, this will be a convicting message because of the sinful situation you are in right now. For some of you this will be a timely message because you are close to ruining your life by committing adultery. For most of you, I hope this message will be a timely reminder that will keep you from ruining your life. I want to keep you from harm. I want to save you from pain. I want to save you from shame.
And let me also acknowledge that this will be a painful sermon for some of you to hear because you have been the victim of an unfaithful spouse. Please understand that I am not trying to reopen old wounds for you. However, I hope you will pray for me that God will use this message to help someone else lest they experience the hurt you have felt.
I want the tone of this message to be like that of a father talking to his son or daughter. In fact, the Scripture we are going to read is written from a father to his son.
Solomon is giving his son some fatherly advice that if heeded will keep his son out of trouble. Solomon knew all too well how sexual sins can ruin your life. Some of the wisdom he had gained on the subject came from first hand experience. He had made a train wreck out of his life with poor choices in this area of life. He wants to spare his son from this pain.
These principles need to be heard and heeded by all of us. No matter if you are engaged to be married, newly married, or have been married for 50 years, we all need to affair proof our marriages. We all need to apply these principles to our lives. There is not a single one of us who can say, “I don’t need to hear this message.”
Solomon tells his son that he needs to do four things.
First, he tells him that there is truth to be appropriated.
I. The Truth To Be Appropriated (5:1-2).
My son, pay attention to my wisdom; Lend your ear to my understanding, 2 That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge. Prov 5:1-2
Do you see those words? Wisdom…understanding…discretion…knowledge.
Solomon is saying that there is truth to be appropriated into your life if you are going to affair proof your marriage. Now the question arises, where can we find this wisdom, understanding, discretion, and knowledge?
Will we find it in Hollywood?
Psychology Today has reported that in daytime soap operas, 94% of the couples who are having sex are not married or are married to someone else. No matter what you watch, the Old and the Useless, the Missing Light, or as the Stomach Turns, 94% of the people are committing sexual sin. Movies and television show are not any better.
Are we going to look to Hollywood for the wisdom we need in our marriages? We dare not!
Will we look to secular authors and psychologists of our day. Maybe they have some help for us.
Judith E. Brandt has written a book titled, The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette. She discusses how to “safely stray” with supposed techniques for making smarter decisions in having an affair. Her book purports to help the reader, “Discover who makes a suitable affair partner, the rules you must never break, when to call it quits, and what to do if you’re caught.”
Do we turn to Hollywood? Do we turn to idiots like this? Do we turn to Jerry Springer or Oprah? Where do we go to learn what to do in our relationships? Where can we turn to find the wisdom we need to build healthy marriages? Where do we go when we want to know right from wrong? I say to you there is but one book that is worthy of our attention! It is the Holy Word of God. And the Bible says, “My son, pay attention to my wisdom.” It is high time that we stop thinking about what the world says and start looking at what the Word of God says. The collective wisdom and opinions of men are but the pooling of ignorance. Only the Word of God is worthy and sufficient for all our beliefs and all of our behaviors.
It used to be that preachers would boldly stand before their congregations and declare, “Thus saith the Lord.” Then they started watering down the Bible to make it more palatable for modern sinners. So they started saying, “Some people believe…” Now they just stand up and say, “Well, it seems to me…” Well frankly you should care less what I think about a subject. And bless your heart; I could care less what you think about this subject. I want to know what God says. I want to know what the Bible says!
God has plainly spoken. He has given us his mind is the book we call the Holy, inspired, inerrant, and infallible Bible. He has given us the truth. But are we willing to appropriate it into our lives? God is far more willing to speak than we are to listen. So based on the authority of God’s Word, I call you to listen and to learn!
My son, pay attention to my wisdom; Lend your ear to my understanding, 2 That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge. Prov 5:1-2
There is only one Book that can give us wisdom. It is the Bible.
The psalmist asked in Psalm 119: 9, 11, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By taking heed according to your word. Your word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
Notice secondly, the traps to be avoided.
II. The Traps To Be Avoided (5:3-8)
3 For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, And her mouth is smoother than oil; 4 But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold of hell.6 Lest you ponder her path of life — Her ways are unstable; You do not know them. 7 Therefore hear me now, my children, And do not depart from the words of my mouth. 8 Remove your way far from her, And do not go near the door of her house,
Prov 5:3-8
Please keep the context in mind. This is a father speaking to his son. It could have been a mother speaking to her daughter. Either way, the principles apply to us all, men and women.
The first trap we are to avoid is…
A. The Trap of Flattery (5:3)
Prov 5:3 "For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, And her mouth is smoother than oil."
The words of an enticing woman sounds so sweet. They sounds so seductive. They sounds so right when we are being enticed and tempted. We even sing that stupid song, “If loving you is wrong then I don’t want to be right.”
You go to work and down the hall comes this beautiful lady. And she swivels her hips and bats her eyes and she speaks her soft words to you. She tells you how nice you look and how good you smell. Then before long she is telling you of how unhappy she is in her marriage and how her husband just does not meet her needs. And you stand there and listen to her. She says she wished she would have met you sooner. She tells you how no one understands her like you do. She says, “I wish my husband treated me like you. I wonder what it would be like to have you as a husband.”
Sir, flattery is a trap! A little flattery has made big fools out of a lot of men!
Men, you must stay out of situations where you can be susceptible to this type of trap. I have repeatedly said to my staff that there is no good reason for you to be in a room alone with a woman with the blinds closed and the door closed. That is a firing offense as far as I am concerned. There is no good reason for you to be discussing your marriage or your sex life with a person of the opposite sex. Even in counseling I have come to the place where a third party is able to hear what goes on in my office. Either my ministry assistant or my wife will be close by. And if you don’t like that it’s too bad. My integrity is more important to me that your feelings. My staff knows that there is no good reason to be alone at a person’s home who is of the opposite sex. We are to flee all appearances of evil.
Don’t put yourself in a position where you can listen to flattery and sexual come-ons. Don’t listen to flirtatious women. Don’t listen to playful banter that is of a flirtatious manner. Dr. Adrian Rogers, the man who first preached these verses into my life said, “He who would not fall down ought not to walk in slippery places” (adapted from his sermon, “The Playboy’s Payday”).
The next trap to be avoided is the trap of fatality.
B. The Trap of Fatality (5:3-8)
3 For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, And her mouth is smoother than oil; 4 But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold of hell. 6 Lest you ponder her path of life — Her ways are unstable; You do not know them. 7 Therefore hear me now, my children, And do not depart from the words of my mouth. 8 Remove your way far from her, And do not go near the door of her house...
Wormwood is a bitter herb used in Old Testament times. In the Bible wormwood is symbolic of the bitterness that sin eventually brings into your life. Sin starts out so sweet but it ends in bitterness and disgust.
Before it is all over, Solomon warns, she will be like a sharp double edged sword. She will cut you to the bone. She will bring death to your purity, death to your holiness, death to your good reputation, and death to your joy.
5 Her feet go down to death and her steps lay hold of hell.6 Lest you ponder her path of life — Her ways are unstable; You do not know them.
Sir, you think you’ve got it all under control. You think no body knows what you are up to. You think you can trust her. You think she will never tell anyone about you. But her ways are unstable. You cannot know what she is capable of. Ask Bill Clinton! Ask all these politicians and high muckety-mucks in Washington D.C. who played around with an escort service. And now the D.C. Madame is threatening to use her little black book to name names!
7 Therefore hear me now, my children, And do not depart from the words of my mouth. 8 Remove your way far from her, And do not go near the door of her house...
There is only one response to the enticement of sin and that is to flee! Flee as quickly as you can! Run at the first inclination of sexual sin. Take Solomon’s advice and get as far away from the person as possible. Don’t put yourself in a place where your integrity may be compromised or questioned. Keep yourself out of the way of this type of person.
What did Joseph do when Potiphar’s wife sought to seduce him and tried to get him undressed and into bed? He did not do what some of you dumb men would have done. He did not say, “Now Mrs. Potiphar. You know we should not do this. Why don’t we kneel down here by the bed and let’s pray about this thing.” No! He fled as fast as he could, leaving his coat in her hands! He saw the trap and he avoided it!
We have seen the truth to be appropriated, and the traps to be avoided. Solomon now addresses the tragedy to be averted.
III. The Tragedy To Be Averted (5:9-14, 22-23)
The reason I am preaching this message today is to save you from tragedy. I want to avert the tragedy that will befall each of us if we think we can play with sexual sins and get away with it. It is not from a judgmental heart. This message is not from a condemning heart. It is from a heart that is saying, “There is danger ahead!”
Perhaps you are saying, “Well pastor, I can always get God to forgive me.” And you are right; if you are truly contrite and of a broken heart God will not despise you. He will forgive and cleanse if you repent and confess. But don’t you believe for a minute that you can sin and not suffer the consequences. There are always consequences to our sins.
What is the tragedy to be averted? It is multifaceted.
A. Dissipation (5:9-10)
9 Lest you give your honor to others, And your years to the cruel one; 10 Lest aliens be filled with your wealth, And your labors go to the house of a foreigner.
If you commit this sin then eventually everything you have worked for and everything you hold dear will dissipate. It will vanish. And you alone will be the one responsible! Do not mortgage your future for one night of pleasure. It is not worth it!
You have everything under control; today, but what happens when your wife discovers the affair? What happens when your children find out? What happens when your friends find out? What happens when your pastor and church family finds out? You worked hard to get where you are and to build up your reputation and YOU threw it all away for the passing pleasures of sin! Another man will now live in that house you built. Your children will call another man daddy.
B. Disease (5:11)
11 And you mourn at last, when your flesh and body are consumed.
This sin not only has spiritual consequences. It has physical consequences. Sexually transmitted diseases are the gifts that keep on giving. The only sure fire way of having safe sex is to stay pure until marriage and after marriage. If you want to wear something for safe sex then wear your wedding ring! Stay true to your spouse! God designed sex to be enjoyed between a husband and wife. Sex as God designed it is for the purpose of procreation, pleasure, and protection.
C. Disappointment (5:12-13)
12 And say: "How I have hated instruction, And my heart despised correction! 13 I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me!
When your sin finds you out you will cry, “Oh God, why didn’t I listen to my pastor? Why didn’t I listen to my friends? Why didn’t I listen to my parents?”
Your delight will turn into despair. The Devil promised you the world but he paid in counterfeit money. You ate the Devil’s corn, but he choked you on the cob.
D. Disgrace (5:14)
14 I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation.
This passage reminds us that our sin will find us out. Solomon wants his son to imagine the day that his sexual sin is uncovered and he whole church finds out. The whole congregation now knows I have been a hypocrite, a deceiver, and immoral person. Notice, however, that he says, “I was on the verge of total ruin.” Friend, if you are having an affair then you are on the verge of total ruin. Get out now while you still can!
E. Dominion (5:22)
22 His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, And he is caught in the cords of his sin.
Every time you commit this type of sin, or any sin, you forge another link in the chain that binds you. It gets easier and easier to talk yourself into committing this type of sin once you have done it. But it becomes harder and harder to extricate yourself from it. You have forged so many habits, and lies, and false fronts that you find it increasingly difficult to escape.
Dr. Rogers told the story of the Tyrant of Syracuse. It seems he had a beef with the blacksmith. He commissioned him to forge the strongest shackles and chains he had ever crafted. He was instructed to appear before the King with his masterpiece when complete. The blacksmith returned to his shop and he went to work, day and night over the anvil and fiery furnace. When he finished he returned to the King, knelt before him and said, “Here my sovereign. I have made the best shackles and chains in the world.” Upon hearing that the King said, “Guards, arrest the blacksmith and bind him in his shackles and chains and throw him in the dungeon.”
Little did that blacksmith know that he had crafted the very instruments of his own imprisonment. And we do the same thing when we play with sin, with pornography, internet chat rooms, romance novels, office flirtations, and adultery. We bind ourselves with iniquity and we have no one to blame but ourselves.
There is one final tragedy to be averted by affair proofing your marriage.
F. Death (5:23)
23 He shall die for lack of instruction, And in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.
• Sin thrills then it kills.
• Sin fascinates then it assassinates.
Maybe you will not suffer physical death, although, that is not an uncommon occurrence. I once read a bumper sticker that said, “Guns don’t kill. Husbands who come home from work early do.” The death this verse is referring to need not be limited to an angry spouse or a disease like AIDS. There are other types of death than just physical.
What about death to your integrity? Honor? Reputation? Holiness? Fellowship with God?
Notice I said fellowship with God, I did not say relationship. If you are a child of God then you do not lose your relationship with God when you sin. But you do lose your fellowship. Hebrews 12 says that, “God chastens those whom He loves and he scourges every son. If you are without chastisement of which all God’s children are partakers then you are illegitimate, and not God’s child. “
Listen if you can sin and sin and not feel convicted then you need to check up on your salvation! But if you are a Christian and you sin, you break your fellowship with God. You are still a Christian but you don’t want to face God. Now I know none of you ever came home with “F’s” on your report card, but I’ve heard of people who have. You don’t want to see daddy when you have an “F” on the report card. I remember hiding from my dad, feigning sleep. I did not want to face him. It was just 6 in the evening, but I was in bed faking sleep. My head was turned to the wall because I knew I had failed.
And child of God, when we are in sin we do not want to face the Heavenly Father. And we make excuses for our cold spirit and our distant relationship with God. We say, “Well, they don’t preach down at the church like they used to. They don’t sing down at the church like they used to.” No sir, you don’t live like you used to! Don’t blame everyone else for your backslidden condition. The problem is there is sin in your life and you need to get right with God. Stop pointing the finger at everyone else and get right with God today!
IV. The Treasure To Be Appreciated (5:15, 18-20)
Prov 5:15
15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well.
Prov 5:18-20
18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
He is saying, men, treasure your wife. Wives, the principle applies to you as well; Treasure your husband. God has given you a treasure in marriage that is to be valued and protected. Sir, if you would spend as much time in finding ways to please your wife as you do yourself then your marriage would be a lot better off. If you would spend as much time talking to your wife as you do fantasizing about other women then your marriage would be better off.
I cannot thank God enough for the godly wife He has given me. She is my best friend, my partner, my soul-mate, my companion, my helper, my lover, and my strength. I have told her that if she ever leaves me then I am going with her. I know a good thing when I see it! Donna is more important to me that anything in life besides Jesus Christ.
Perhaps you need to stop right now and take an inventory of how much your spouse blesses you. Make a list of all the aspects of your relationship that you should treasure. Remind yourself of all those qualities that first attracted you to one another. Then tell your spouse why you love them.
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord. Prov 18:22